a better day...

ok, so i started out the night having a pity party for myself, but the more i thought, the better the night got. and by the end of the night, i even got to talk to my husband, making it one of the best yet! my night began by myself, watching two movies ondemand. it's saturday night, and i had a healthy choice pizza for dinner. after the second movie ended, i decided it was time for a cigarette. i'm not a "smoker" i just like my occasional cigarette to take the edge off. while i was having a cigarette, i went and set out on our deck, as i normally do. as i was sitting there, i was thinking about my life and how lucky i really am. nobody else i know has the kind of love i have for my husband. i mean, seriously, i am married to a man that i love more than life itself. i would do anything in the world to be with him, he honestly is my best friend, the only person who i can say anything to and not feel judged. I can only strive to be that person for him, the one who does not judge and whom he can tell anything to and still feel safe. while i was sitting out there, i also thought about my reward for all these lonely nights. while there are many people in this world who understand my pain, most do not. most people have no idea what it's like to live without something you can't live without. however, while i am feeling this pain now, i know that i will soon experience a HIGH that only a low low pain can bring. when i see chris again i know it will be the only time i will ever be more happy to see him than i was on our wedding day. and that's not something to take lightly. the love i had on our wedding day took me to highs i had never experienced before, and i know in my heart that this will be an even greater high. i've never loved somebody so much that i had to live without for 5 months. when we were in college it used to kill me to go 4 days without seeing him. when i lived in greensboro and he lived in chapel hill, i hated going from sunday night to saturday night without him. now of course 4 or 5 days seems like absolutely nothing. i feel like these 5 months will be the hardest time we will ever face, but when it's over, i get another year of being a newlywed! lucky me, right?!? i think so, and next year will prove it. next year i'll get to cuddle up with my husband every night, and every night i will be so thankful he is here with me. all in all, i've been by myself tonight, which was good and gave me some time to think about things....but i'm happy. i'm happy that i am who i am, and that my life is my life. i can't think of anyone i would trade with. i love my husband more than anybody in this world. i am grateful for the friends and family that i have. i love you all, and goodnight!

another day, another disappointment...

ok, here i am to vent again. i'm trying to get it all out so i don't make my husband not want to talk to me because i'm always upset about something. i don't know why he wouldn't expect me to be upset, but whatever. so all i've been doing is waiting to talk to him all evening, it's really the only highlight of my sad little day. so i get a call around 10, and he tells me he's going out drinking with his friends and that he's probably not going to get his r&r over christmas, and he will call me in about an hour and a half. ok, first of all, i guess...no i know...that i'm jealous. he has people to be around and at least gets to have fun at night, no matter what he does all day. in the meantime, i'm alone constantly, at all times. so i sit and wait to talk to him on webcam, just to find out he's going out with friends. it's not that i don't want him to enjoy himself when he can, i just want him to understand my point of view at the same time. i've always struggled with that though, i guess no matter how much we love each other our minds are still wired completely differently. he has no idea what it's like to sit at home all the time waiting. anyway, as if that wasn't enough, he tells me he's not going to get his r&r over christmas, essentially leaving me here to deal with all the family bullshit by myself. i know this is not his fault, i just feel like everything i want just gets turned down...it's like knowing you're going to be punched in the stomach...you know it's coming, but each punch still hurts. and that's it. that's what i've been waiting for all evening? fuck no. this isn't going to be like this...i can't handle it. tomorrow i will be doing something in the evening, whether it's storming like it has today or not. i just got to talk to him again and i feel somewhat better, hopefully enough to be able to sleep now...

Buzz Kill...yet again...

I was actually in a great mood BEFORE I spoke with my husband tonight. My husband, Chris, is currently deployed. Right now he is in Fort Hood, Texas. Last night he told me they would be coming home on July 2nd, not sure how long they would get. He also told me they would be leaving on July 20 to go overseas. In the past the unit has gotten 2 weeks at home before they are sent overseas. So far, my first deployment has taught me to not expect anything, but I was reallllly hoping for at least one week with him before they send him off to f*ing Iraq. But no, they give him basically 4 days. I could deal with this if I knew he was as mad about it as I am. It's just like what they did to us over Memorial Day weekend, when I went down to Texas...when they were supposed to return from the field on Tuesday, so I booked a flight down there for Thursday night, and he didn't get released from duty until 8:30 FRIDAY night. My husband is either extraordinarily awesome at hiding his anger about these things, waits til he cools down to talk to me about it, or simply just does not care. The way it comes across to me when I'm this mad is that he absolutely doesn't care that we were expecting a week min and only get 4 days in reality...it's like he defends their decisions. I just don't understand I suppose. I feel like I am bitching about something all the time. I try so hard not to, and like I said, I was in a great mood BEFORE I talked to Chris tonight. Tonight especially I was trying so hard to have a positive attitude and be "happy" if that's even possible.
Now I have to get some other things off my chest. I am such a girl, and I simply cannot help that. I get aggravated when I feel my husband doesn't miss me as much as I miss him, and all I want is to appear as nonchalant as he always does. I want to talk to him throughout the day when possible, but it doesn't seem as if the feeling is mutual. I asked him how his day went, and what time they were finished. He told me they were back at the barracks at 4 (which is 5 my time), and he has been "chilling" since then. It was almost 11 when he finally messaged me, so being the GIRL that I am, I can't help but wonder why he didn't want to talk to me for those 6 hours? It's not like I want to talk for hours every time we get to speak, and I really don't do that especially during the afternoons and evenings when we get to talk. I feel like I think about him all day, and he could just really not care less at this point. I am trying to remember how a guy thinks about things...just wishing he would do the same for my perspective. I really do hate complaining. Hopefully this blog will keep me from bitching to others about my currently sucky life. If I didn't have to get up in 6 hours I would totally go to the gym and work off this frustration right now. I'll save it for tomorrow and have an extra hard workout. Maybe I'll work myself to so much exhaustion I can't even think. Goodnight for now...hopefully the next post won't be such a whiny bitchfest...